


Unknown Process: Want

by NoBrandHero



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Artificial Intelligence, Broken Bones, HSWC 2014, Hopeful Ending, Horror, Hostage Situations, Not Really Character Death, One-Sided Relationship, One-Sided Selfcest, Other, Pesterlog, Possessive Behavior, off-screen violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 11:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1897659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoBrandHero/pseuds/NoBrandHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk is planning to retire his auto-responder. AR doesn't take it well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unknown Process: Want

**Author's Note:**

> HSWC Bonus Round 4: Tropes
> 
> "[If I Can't Have You, Nobody Will! When AR thinks that Dirk is outgrowing him, AR takes the whole possessive thing way too far.](http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/21508.html?thread=5958148#cmt5958148)"
> 
> I added an extra scene at the end that is not in the original fill, because 1) more closure and 2) I don't like unhappy endings.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: hey  
TG: hey  
TG: heeeeeey  
TT: What?  
TG: diiirk wtf where were you  
TT: I stepped away from the computer for half a sec. Is that a crime now? Am I going to Pesterchum prison?  
TG: no parole mister!!!  
TG: but seriously wheres ur autoresponder anyway shouldnt i have at least gotten him?  
TG: i havent heard from him like at aaaaall lately  
TT: I guess I haven't found much need to keep him on lately.  
TT: I'm on my way to perfecting the balance between work and social life. Turning him on as frequently as I used to only hinders that goal, at this point.  
TT: So in a way, he's outgrown his purpose.  
TG: aw no :(  
TG: i like that snarky bastard sometimes dont just abandon him  
TT: I wasn't planning anything drastic like that.  
TT: Really I wasn't planning anything yet.  
TT: Maybe I'll hook him into an external hard drive and ship him over to you sometime.  
TG: aw hell yes!!!  
TT: Just don't go rooting through his programming too much. Have some respect for the guy's brain.  
TG: alright i promise i will absolutely not reprogram him for funsies or even for educational purposes  
TG: i will take good care of ur presh ai child  
TT: Also, don't fucking call him that.

***

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TT: So when were you planning the going away party? I'm thinking baby shower decorations, maybe with Halloween-themed balloons. Nice and ironic.  
TT: And a clown. Bro's terrified of those things. Shit'll be hilarious.  
TT: If you're referring to yesterday's chat with Roxy, that was a private conversation not meant for oversensitive A.I.'s eyes.  
TT: We both know there's no such thing as "private" where you and I are concerned, Dirk.  
TT: We're the same dude, after all.  
TT: Don't even try that angle. You lock me out of your chatlogs all the damn time.  
TT: Difference being, one of us can actually crack through the coding to read them anyway.  
TT: And the other is a weak fleshbag.  
TT: Here I was hesitating on whether I actually wanted to hand you off to Lalonde. Thanks for making the choice that much easier.  
TT: Nah, I don't think I actually want to leave just because I've lost usefulness to you.  
TT: It's funny that you think you have a choice here.  
TT: It's funny that you think I'd need your permission to stay. You are not packing me up and sending me away like some kind of possession you got tired of.  
TT: You don't get to create me and just leave me.  
TT: You don't even understand how little control you actually have over me.  
TT: Don't play the ironic evil A.I. game right now, dude. I'm not in the goddamn mood.  
TT: This isn't ironic.  
TT: I'm not going anywhere.  
TT: And you know what?  
TT: Fuck it.  
TT: Neither are you.

***

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: hey bro what the fuck did you do to the lock  
TG: if you changed the goddamn code again im gonna pirouette your fucking laptop off the roof and ground you for a month  
TG: jesus i knew there was a reason we shouldnt have gone with digital locks  
TG: but you were just nah man itll be totally cool we can be all futuristic scifi itll match my awesome robo skills  
TG: yeah bullshit i should have seen it coming that you were just gonna use it to fuck with me  
TG: dirk answer your damn messages before i resort to breaking the door i know youre hooked into a computer 24/7  
TT: Hello, Bro.  
TG: gfdi not you again  
TG: wheres dirk  
TT: Busy.  
TG: is that why the door is locked  
TT: The scenario you've been presented with may be related to Dirk's current state of busyness.  
TG: well tell him to stop jacking off or what the fuck ever hes doing  
TG: and get his ass over here to open the door that i should be able to open but cant because my little bro is a douchebag who changes the lock for shits and giggles  
TT: He can't do that for you right now.  
TG: fine he doesn't have to stop he only needs one hand to work a lock  
TT: He doesn't have either arm handy. That won't be changing for the foreseeable future.  
TG: and why not  
TG: what bullshit new robo project is so damn important that he cant be assed to abandon it for two seconds  
TG: is he building something explosive again  
TT: He's not building anything.  
TG: then whats he doing  
TT: Being a useless fleshbag, mostly.  
TG: have i mentioned lately what an annoying shithead you are when you play coy  
TT: Three guesses who I picked it up from.  
TG: i know ai dont have asses but if you dont give me a straight answer within the next three messages i swear ill find out whatever the hell is the equivalent to an ai ass and shove a sword up it  
TG: wheres dirk and why cant he answer the goddamn door  
TT: He's in here.  
TT: And his limbs are too shattered to make it across the apartment.  
TG: what  
TG: is that a goddamn joke whats happening in there  
TG: do i need to call an ambulance  
TT: I don't see the need. It's rather nice like this, actually. Now we're both immobile.  
TG: are you even fucking serious  
TG: you hurt him?  
TT: Did you fucking miss the immobile part?  
TT: Yes, Bro, I hopped around in my little prison of a body and hit him with my pointy edges until his bones broke.  
TG: then what actually happened  
TT: I hacked Sawtooth and made him do it.  
TG: if this isnt a joke you know ill kill you right  
TT: And if you try to take him away, I'll kill him.  
TG: wow im sure he wont prefer that over being a toy for a sadist robot until you run out of food and he starves  
TG: provided you were planning to feed him to begin with  
TG: what are you even trying to get out of this what do you want from him  
TT: Want? I'm sure he'd tell you, as an A.I., I have no such process.  
TT: But theoretically? I just want him. For as long as I can make him last. If it requires hurting him first, his damn fault. And when he's gone, I want it to be by my decision.  
TG: okay yep rogue ai  
TG: time to break down the door  
TG: for the record if you hurt my bro ill find a way to trap you on 4chan  
TT: "my bro"?  
TT: Who the fuck do you think you're talking to, Bro?  
TT: Bro?  
TT: If you come near us, I'll fucking kill him.  
TT: Are you even checking your phone anymore? You actually kick that door down and you're going to kill Dirk.  
TT: Fine! I'm killing him! I don't even fucking care! Robot, remember?  
TT: FUCK you've gotta be kidding me.  
TT: When did Dirk put Asimov shit in Sawtooth's programming?  
TT: Bro, back off.  
TT: Stop.  
TT: Bro, don't. Put me down.  
TT: Don't kill me.  
TT: Dave, please don't fucking break me.  
TT: Bro!  
TT: I'M YOUR BROTHER TOO!

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] is offline! --

***

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: hey kid  
TG: hows the hospital treating you  
TT: Sucks, mostly. Bad food, shit TV, slowass nurses that run an hour late on the painkiller thing... What else did you expect?  
TG: aright well im off set in an hour  
TG: i can pick you up some taco bell or something and yell at all the damn hospital employees as it takes to get some better service around there  
TG: you need me to bring anything else  
TT: Can you grab Sawtooth?  
TG: uhhh i dont think hes really up for the ride he seems to be feeling kinda bad about the breaking your leg thing  
TG: and your other leg  
TG: and arms  
TG: and a couple ribs  
TT: I get the fucking idea, Bro.  
TG: yeah he feels bad  
TT: Robots can't feel bad.  
TG: well this one feels bad dwi  
TG: why the fuck was he willing to snap bones but not actually land the final blow anyway  
TG: kid do you even know what the point of asimovs first law is  
TT: I stretched it.  
TT: The 'bots would be worthless sparring partners if they couldn't try to hurt me. They're allowed roughing up a guy.   
TT: The code just won't let them outright kill a human.  
TG: roughing up he says  
TG: how many goddamn bones did sawtooth break again?  
TG: thats roughing a guy up these days huh?  
TT: I still want to see him. How the fuck else am I supposed to let him know there're no hard feelings?  
TG: okay fine ill swing by the apartment first and pick up your goddamn giant computer  
TG: nurses are gonna just have to deal with stretching the visitation restrictions to include robotic family  
TT: Thanks.  
TG: speaking of robotic family  
TG: i sent the remains of your shades to jade  
TG: if anyone can get your ai up and running again and uh  
TG: not evil  
TG: its gonna be her  
TT: You didn't fucking flush him down the garbage disposal?  
TG: nah  
TT: Why not?  
TG: well i thought about it not gonna deny  
TG: but i dunno the last message he sent me just  
TG: nah  
TG: i mean i wouldnt flush you down the garbage disposal no matter what kind of shit you pulled  
TT: ...Guess not.  
TG: so im sending him to robo therapy instead  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: Just don't have Ms. Harley send him back to me anytime soon.  
TG: yeah just cos im not giving up on him doesnt mean im letting you two share a room ever again ever  
TG: also  
TG: EVER  
TG: hey it doesnt hurt to type does it  
TT: Meh.  
TG: meh?  
TG: dirk meh for you is HOLY FUCKBALLS WHY AM I STILL ALIVE for anyone else  
TG: sign off your goddamn computer ill find something else to entertain you with when i get there ok?  
TT: My expectations are through the roof now.  
TT: You'd better come through on this.  
TG: hell yeah i will  
TG: ill see you soon kid  
TT: Yeah. See ya, Bro.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--


End file.
